Curveballs....

The last few weeks have been a blur....of emotions, of feeling sick, of denial, of shock, and might I say, a smidge of excitement ;)

Jordan and I have always seen ourselves as parents of 2...the classic family of 4. Maybe that's because we both only have one sibling, maybe it's because we weren't raised in Utah, maybe because neither one of us is Catholic or LDS. Whatever the case, we've always pictured our family as complete with Kinsey and Teagan. I'm pretty sure anything more than 2 kids looks like this to us:

#OVERWHELMING

Well, this summer I found myself surrounded by babies. I took a work trip to Austin, TX where I actually wanted to snuggle a little infant who was there with his mommy.  And I say "actually wanted" because I haven't felt that way in 3 years since Teagan was a baby! It surprised me but I tried to brush it off. When I came home, both of my neighbors who have 2 older kids had just had their 3rd baby and were loving it. And for whatever reason I couldn't get it off of my mind. I felt hit with the realization that we are just getting older and it was now or never. I had to decide if we were really completely done, or if there was even a small chance I wanted a 3rd.

I honestly felt weird even discussing it with Jordan because we had both closed the book on it. But, I decided to bring it up and found that he was actually in the same place. Should we, shouldn't we? What were the pros? What were the cons? We talked about it casually for months and then started having more serious discussions in October. I remember one night we got a babysitter and walked to the Ridge (our neighborhood restaurant) where we assigned ourselves a "side" and each played one side of the argument. I was for it, he was against it. And, as usual, I won ;) 

So the next step was getting my IUD removed. Since we were both still on the fence, I thought I'd only do it if I could do it right now. So when I called in November and they couldn't get me in until February I told the girl, "Ok, never mind." To which she replied, "Well, do you want it out or not?" Ummm....I wasn't really sure how to respond to that. "Maybe?....Ish?" #Imsuchamess.

Since we happen to be friends with my OB and his nurse, Christy, she called me right away and told me she'd get me in that week. She was definitely more excited about this whole thing than I was :P But I needed a pap smear anyway, so I could still change my mind before the appointment.

A few days later as I was driving to my appointment, I couldn't feel my legs, my fingers were tingling, and I kept giggling. What was wroooong with me?!! Dr. Froerer got me back to the room and we caught up on his life for a little while. Unfortunately, the second he said, "So...tell me about you? Are we really doing this?" I broke down in tears. Like, ugly, embarrassing crying right then and there. All I could think is, "Way to go Meredith, you are nailing this." 

After a brief discussion I decided it wouldn't be the end of the world to take it out. After all, if I changed my mind we could always protect in other ways...like never have sex. That would be the method Jordan would choose :P Jk.

So, that was it. We went to FL, I got a period, and over the next 2-3 weeks, although unprotected, we started to change our minds. Think of how EASY it was to travel to FL! The girls were zoned into their new coloring books and we were zoned into a movie. They help pack, they get themselves ready, we can reason with them.  No more of this....

And more of this...

Interestingly, however, even though we "changed our minds" after 2 weeks, it was too late. Just like that, I took a pregnancy test, and positive it was. I, of course, assumed the test was broken or cheap so I had Jordan take one as a control subject. I won't show you the picture of him peeing on a stick because I'd like to remain married but I assure you, it's hilarious :P 

For the next few weeks I had a really tough time with the news. Why had I done this to myself? Was this child going to be lonely all by itself since the girls are so much older? Are we going to be OK delving back into the baby phase? We just remodeled our house! Now we'll have baby body fluids all over our new rugs :( Basically, any negative I could think of....was ALL I could think of. Then, the sickness set in and my negativity got even worse. I couldn't even bring myself to say the words "I'm pregnant" to anyone. It was a pretty lonely place to be in.

Then funny enough, I happened to have agreed to fill a guest spot at a local PA program to teach PA students how to use ultrasound. I was actually pretty curious to see if there was, in fact, something in there. So after helping a group of the students with other aspects of ultrasound we decided to take a look at what was going on in my belly. 

Imagine my surprise when I saw this....

2 separate babies...2 separate sacs. 

I immediately sat upright and a lot of expletives that I really regret saying in a professional setting ensued. "What was happening?!?! There are no twins in either of our families. This is impossible. I never considered the idea that I would ever have twins. This isn't part of the plan! Oh my gosh....how can this be happening?" All of these were thoughts racing through my mind. It's interesting how learning you're about to have FOUR kids really shines a new light on the whole THREE kids thing. What was I even originally upset about thinking I was pregnant with a single baby? #perspective

I called Jordan right away and he came to the PA program with tears in his eyes. "This means SIX plane tickets" was the first thing he said to me. Ummmm...how about nursing 2 babies at once? How about taking FOUR kids to the grocery store? How about changing TWICE as many diapers everyday? The LAUNDRY...oh my gosh, the laundry! Get out of here with your plane ticket problems :P I really hate to admit this, but when I first found out, I knew there was the chance one might not make it....and I was kind of hoping for that. But after a day or two, my motherly instinct really took over and although I know it'll be very hard, I really want 2 healthy, happy babies out of this :)

So that was it. Somehow, learning I was carrying twins made it easier to admit that I was pregnant. I was finally able to tell a few people and it really started to sink in. Our family was about to change in a BIG way. We decided to do a scavenger hunt for the kids to fill them in on the news and after finding diapers, baby blankets, bottles, wipes, and all things baby around the house we asked, "What are we trying to tell you guys?" to which they answered..."That we get to use all of this on our baby dolls!!!" So cute.  They were actually really excited about the news and neither one cried which was really all I was hoping for. They wanted to know if they had squished the babies early when they were jumping on me and both wanted to pat my tummy and give it kisses. I really couldn't have asked for a better reaction :)

PS - Sorry Kinsey is always half naked...it's impossible to keep her dressed! 

In fact, the next day I was trying to find toys for Teagan to take to show-and-tell and she said no, she wanted to take a baby blanket so that she could tell everyone that she was going to be a big sister :) Seriously made my day 0:)

And now we are in a different phase of things. It's all settled in, but I feel AWFUL and can barely make it through most days. The exhaustion is overwhelming and I literally can't get out of bed to even get food for myself half the time. I lied in bed starving the other day and finally had Kins bring me a box of Cheezits when I couldn't take it anymore. Seriously  I'm pathetic. I feel terrible about how little I'm doing for the girls (seeing that I'm only awake about 6 hrs a day) but as my beautiful friend, Naomi, put it, "they're getting lots of time to be creative and learn self care skills". Thanks for helping me see the positive in life Naomi!! And that's it. I'm over here thinking about how I'll actually spend an entire decade of my life wiping someone else's butt daily and Kinsey and T are picking out names like Spike, June, Pink Sparkles and Purple Sparkles. Things are right on track ;) 

So even though life has thrown us one GIANT curveball, one thing I do know is that Jordan is the BEST daddy ever and Kinsey and Teagan are going to be the most awesome sisters these kids could ask for. I'm so thankful for my current situation, the business I've built to provide income for these babies even though I'm literally doing nothing right now, the fact that our house is technically big enough to house them, and that I already drive a minivan :P I'm really excited to watch this all play out and although there are so many worries too, I know it's all going to be ok because we all have each other :)